Mother's Day Dinner

Tonight, I made lamb and steak shish kabobs.  Everyone got to customize their own.  I had some of all of the veggies.  The kids enjoyed making their own.  We had a yummy and healthy Mother's Day dinner.

Month 1 Pics

I'm at my (hopefully) highest weight ever.  I never want to see 330-something on the scale again!

Having a Tough (Mother's) Day

Mother's Day has always been tough for me.  I've never really had a great relationship with my own mom.  My mom has been out of my life for 3 years.  Even though it's been 3 years of no one openly rooting for me to fail, making up lies about me, and complaining that I don't buy them expensive enough stuff (no one in that house works, by the way), it still hurts. 

Every year for Mother's Day, my birthday, or Christmas, all I ask for is a lie free day.  In 15 years, I've never gotten it.  Usually, it's accompanied by theft.  My husband and kids can be pretty self centered, which gets to me.  Although I wish I could prioritize myself more.  I probably wouldn't weigh as much as I do now.  I have to clean up their constant messes and problems, so I come last.

This time of year was definitely the wrong time to start over trying to lose weight.  Despite feeling hungry all week (making me a little cranky, if you can't tell) and walking daily, I'm up 7 pounds.  This usually happens when I start working out, building muscle and all.  It's temporary, but still sucks.

Boredom Hunger Today

I was definitely bored today after running errands.  It took way too long at Walmart and then PetCo, but it gave me something to do and a chance to get out of the house.  I was definitely feeling hungry today, but think it was due more to boredom than actual hunger.  I've been back on the wagon of accountability by logging what I eat and the amount of exercise on Sparkpeople.  Trying to stick to a diet can definitely make me dwell on not eating and make me hungry.  It was hot out, so I laid down in my room with the AC on and played Candy Crush to pass some time.  Hubby was lying down with me to escape the heat, so it was nice to have some time for just us.

Starting Over (Yet Again...)

I am trying to get serious about losing weight yet again.   I was doing well when I started this blog years ago.   Hubby and I mixed business with friendship, and unsurprisingly, it ended badly, causing hurt feelings on both ends (even though they were in the wrong...) and triggered my depression and abandonment issues.  I'm now heavy than I was when I started this, but that's ok.  I'm starting to see the light at the end of this depression fog.

Lots of stuff has happened since then, as well.  I have changed careers.  My kids are now a teen and a tween.  My mom cut ties with me because I got tired of how toxic things were and put up boundaries (I'm such an ass for thinking that I don't deserve to be treated badly, right?).  Cue more depression and more weight gain.  I lost my dog that was almost 14 unexpectedly in her sleep.  We adopted a 6 month old Sheppard-ish mutt a little over a year ago.  We have a 3 month old puppy that we've pre-adopted and will get in about a month.  We're all dealing with the unknown right now with this quantity being lifted.

I'very gotten good at taking pictures at flattering angles and Snapchat filters, but it's done little to actually improve myself.  I a, trying to be more authentic and stop hiding just for the sake of peace.  I want to be able to people a bit better, too, lol.  I am an introvert by nature, but want to make some real friends.

From being cooped up during this quarantine, I was craving to see nature, even if it is just an artificial man made park, so I took the dog for a walk at the local park.  It was nice to see greenery instead of houses.  My son was with a friend and my daughter was at the store with hubby, so I took our 1 1/2 year old dog to the park and listened to my mp3 player.  It was nice to just be me for a minute.

Take care!